Top 40 Films of 2016
Another year ends, and another ‘Best Of’ list rears it’s ugly head. As per tradition, I’ve waited until I’ve caught up on enough films to mold a decent list, and so this bastard is about a month or so late.
I heard many a punter bemoaning the deficit of decent films this year just gone, and in some ways they were right – 2016 was a pretty lousy year for Blockbuster flicks. It was a sea of unwanted sequels and unnecessary remakes, punctuated by a few DC films that were pure Cunt-Porridge.
I actually prefer years like this one just gone, because the universe has a way of course correcting in these situations. So when the Hollywood Popcorn output falters, the quality Independent and Art-house fanfare doubles it’s efforts and brings balance to the Force. To prove a point, I’m going to throw down the gauntlet and list 40(!) movies from the year 2016 that are worth giving a peep.
I know you’re all busy as fuck and don’t have time to wade through 40(!!) fucking film reviews, so I have kept the write ups extraordinarily short. Mostly one sentence! Of course, treat a list this large with the proper trepidation : films 40 – 31 are guilty pleasures, films 10 – 1 are excellently crafted works of cinema. The rest are somewhere in-between those two. In my humble opinion, all 40 are worth at least checking out.
Side Note before we start: Traditionally we don’t get the Oscar Bait films in Australia until early the following year. It took me so fucking long to get this post up I have actually seen almost of the Nominees for the best Picture Oscar, a few make this list even though they mostly count as 2017 releases here in Van Diemen’s Land. No, I haven’t seen La La Land.
40. Southbound (Horror Anthology)
Horror anthology set on a stretch of Deep South Highway.
39. The Love Witch (Comedy, Horror)
A murderous lass who will feed you love potions until you’re insane. I’d let her:
38. Hardcore Henry (Sci Fi, Action)
Fast paced Sci-Fi action film (shot entirely in first person) featuring Schappelle Corby. WAIT, I mean Sharlto Copley! Always get those two confused. Fuck.
37. Magnificent Seven (Western)
A “not quite as good” remake of a “not quite as good” remake, that’s still quite good!
36. Don’t Kill It (Horror)
Low budget, yet highly inventive Demonic Possession film. Starring Dolph Motherfucking Lundgren.
35. Kill Zone 2 (Action) (Hong Kong)
A Hong Kong and a Thai action film collide in an international fight fest (that has nothing to do with Kill Zone 1). The two action stars communicate through Google translate!
34. Never Stop Never Stopping (Mockumentary)
Finest girl I ever met in my whole life
Wanted to take her home, make her my wife
Knew she was a freak when she started talking
She said, “fuck me like we fucked Bin Laden”
33. The Greasy Strangler (Comedy, Horror)
The poster is odd. The film is odder.
32. Don’t Breathe (Horror)
Tell your tinder date it’s the sequel to Waiting to Exhale. It’s not!
31. Deadpool (Superhero)
My thoughts found at the bottom of this article.
30. Doctor Strange (Superhero)
29. Sausage Party (Animated Comedy)
Come for the gratuitous violence. Stay for the orgy!
28. Kubo and the Two Strings (Animated Fantasy)
Criminally under-loved (Cars 2 made more money in it’s first two days than Kubo’s entire run), but technically amazing Animated adventure.
27. They Look Like People (Psychological Thriller)
Yes they look like people, but they are actually shape shifting demons. Or are they?
26. The Wailing (Horror) (Korea)
You haven’t partied until you’ve been to a Korean Exorcism!
25. Synchronicity (Science Fiction)
Time travel film that will make your mind shit blood.
24. Hunt For the Wilderpeople (Comedy Drama)
Charming coming of age Kiwi comedy.
23. The Hateful Eight (Western)
Tarantino doing his thing. You know the drill,
22. Under The Shadow (Horror) (Iran)
The Iranian Babadook!
21. Hell Or High Water (Neo-Western Thriller)
Your average American is financially fucked. You knew that. But did you know Chris Pine can act!
20. Hidden Figures (Drama)
Three brilliant NASA employees toil away at their roles unhindered. Oh wait, they are women and they are black, and it’s the shithouse early 60’s. Consider them hindered!
19. The Autopsy of Jane Doe (Horror)
A Father and Son team of Coroners examine an unidetified woman whose death is eerily mysterious. It all goes fine and turns into a standard autopsy. Just kidding. Shit turns to Fuck.
18. Lion (Drama) (Australia)
Every year needs a harrowing Indian kid film. To make it easier on the audience, it’s the same fucker from Slumdog!
17. Tickled (Documentary)
Documentary about competitive tickling (!), that finds a Rabbit Hole of darkness and deceit and fucking dives right in.
16. Manchester By The Sea (Drama)
Finally, a film morose enough to match Casey Affleck’s hangdog face. Based on the novel “Mopey Dick”, and co-starring that blonde chick from Dawson’s Creek.
15. Hacksaw Ridge (War)
True story of the first conscientious objector to be awarded the Purple Heart. Half the fun is spotting all of the Aussie actors (required to secure filming tax breaks).
14. Through My Mother’s Eyes (Horror)
A girl with a traumatic childhood grows up to be surprisingly well-adjusted (if you don’t count the sickeningly disturbing shit she gets into).
13. Train to Busan (Horror)
A zombie film with incredible character development. The Living Dead will rip out their hearts, while the film itself breaks yours!
12. Captain America: Civil War (Superhero)
The 13th (and 2nd best) of the Marvel Studio films, so you’re pretty much on-board or missed the fucking ship by this point.
11. Always Shine (Psychological Thriller)
Two actresses go on a weekend vacation, turns out one is insanely jealous of the other’s success.
10. Hush (Horror)
Grab a hot cuppa, relax in your favourite chair – and watch a Deaf-Mute chick get tormented by a serial killer for an evening.
9. 10 Cloverfield Lane (Psychological Thriller)
No, you don’t need to see Cloverfield first (or at all). Yes, you do need to see this.
8. Swiss Army Man (Comedy Drama)
Think you know quirky cinema? Fuck you! A depressed Paul Dano becomes a poor man’s MacGyver, by using Daniel Radcliffe’s corpse flatulence as a multi-purpose tool. Now that’s quirky!
7. The Nice Guys (Mystery Thriller)
The spiritual successor to Shane Black’s earlier Buddy Detective films The Last Boy Scout and Kis, Kiss, Bang, Bang. If you don’t like those films, I hope you get Salmonella and die.
6. Arrival (Science Fiction)
Strewth! Fucking Squid-Monsters from Space! What the shit do they want? Send the smart cunts in to work out their language, cobber!
5. The Handmaiden (Erotic Thriller) (Korea)
When I heard about this 1930s Conman thriller from my favourite Korean director, I decided to watch it as soon as I finished work. When I found out it was an erotic thriller, I quit my job so I could watch it immediately.
4. The Witch (Horror)
3. The Invitation (Thriller)
Dinner Party? You bring the Potato Salad, I’ll bring the cult members.
2. Moonlight (Drama)
The life and times of a bullied kid with a Drug addict mother. Curiously, no where near as harrowing as that implies.
1. Green Room (Horror Thriller)
Jeremy Saulnier got our attention with 2013’s Blue Ruin, and proves his genius with Green Room. If the thought of Patrick Stewart playing a threatening Neo-Nazi leader doesn’t pique your interest, you are fucking dead inside.
Thanks for reading.