MACHETE

What’s it About:

Machete is a Mexican agent hired by the President of the United States to kill a renegade arms dealer hell bent on destroying the Earth with a moon laser. Or maybe Machete is hired by the bad guys to kill the president, but I’m pretty sure there is still a moon laser involved. Fuck it, I’ve already put more effort into this synopsis than Robert Rodriguez did for the entire film.

The Good:

You would expect a few decent kills with films like these, and Machete does carve up villains with a few inventive methods. No less than four uses of vehicle propellers as murder weapons.

If you’re not familiar with the line up (or seen the poster) the reveal of celebrity cameos can be fun. I guess. It’s mostly a who’s who of fallen from grace stars (I’m looking at you Charlie Sheen). Cuba Gooding Jr is in the film. Christ, remember when Cuba won the Oscar for Jerry Maguire, and was ready to take the world by storm? No? Did you know if you were born the day that film was released in Australia, you would be able to consume alcohol legally here March 2015? Fuuuuuck I am old.

The Bad:

I’m a massive fan of exploitation cinema, so you need to tread lightly around me if you’re offering up fauxploitation. Machete Kills does not tread lightly. If anything, for all the murder and mayhem it gets boring pretty quickly. Gory kills, ridiculous celebrity cameos and a fake VHS filter make for amusing fake trailers – but entire films revolving around the flimsy premise are really pushing their luck. The original Machete might scrape through on good will – but a sequel forcing another 108 minutes of this stuff is really pushing the friendship. As for the fake Machete Kills in Space trailer – the joke is over before it even starts.

Sofia Vergara. Yes TV fans, she is very easy on the eyes. BUT THAT FUCKING VOICE. ugh. It’s like Fran Drescher was possessed by a South American deadite.

Man, how badly did Mel Gibson shit the bed when he went on that drunken anti-sematic rant back in 2009? Firstly, his wife divorced him and halved his fortune (poor devil is now worth only $450 million). Secondly, no studio will touch him – so he’s reduced to playing either an Arms dealer in a shitty fake action film like this…or playing an arms dealer in a shitty fake action film like Expendables 3. He does a reasonable job in both, charisma to spare, but with every second he is on screen you can feel his star fading, and it is depressing.

Future films:

The original Machete  started life as a fake trailer for Rodriguez and Tarantino’s Grindhouse project, and the concept became popular enough to warrant production into an actual film. The film made back four times it’s $10 million budget, and so here we are in 2013 with the sequel – Machete Kills. Cheekily, this film has a fake trailer preceding it titled Machete Kills in Space. But everybody is tired of the joke already, and Machete Kills only made $15 million worldwide – so don’t hold your breath for a third film. Unless you’re Robert Rodriguez, in which case please hold your breath until you die and stop making films.

The Final Word:

The film is trying way too hard to be trashy, and the experience is hollow.

1.5

gravity

What’s it About:

A group of astronauts are conducting research aboard their Space Shuttle, the HMS FLAMINGO-TITS. It’s an extraordinary vessel, powered purely by the fumes emitting from George Clooney’s smouldering good looks. Tragedy strikes when a cloud of debris rips through the shuttle at bullet speed, leaving Sandra Bullock to float in space like a condom in a toilet bowl.

The Good:

Maaan this film as tense, the extraordinary special effects capture the unbearable tension perfectly, as you wonder how the fuck Sandra Bullock is going to get out of this pickle. Usually a Sandra Bullock film makes me want to stick cutlery in my eye sockets, but she does a fine job here as a Medical Engineer trying to MacGyver her way out of outer space.

The Bad:

This film is awesome, my minor gripe isn’t it doesn’t leave much room for character development – Bullock’s Dr Stone isn’t the most relatable heroine put on film..

The Final Word:

If you missed this at the cinema, watch it on blu ray on a big screen and prepare for your anus to shrink to the size of a mouse’s tear duct in nervous tension – this isn’t a pirated DVD from Bali kind of exercise, go big and beautiful.

Five_S

captp

What’s It About:

The original Pirates of the Caribbean film was a lot of fun, and for a while we all loved Pirates again. But then they released three inferior sequels, and turned the whole exercise into a barb wire dildo of disgust. We’re at the point now where I’d rather watch my Grandparents fuck than another Pirates of the Caribbean movie. But never fear, as Captain Phillips is here to provide us with a solid Pirate experience. Fuck the 18th century they reckon, let’s indulge in some modern day pirate action. It’s a true story too, so you can feel brainy as a son of bitch after viewing.

The Good:

Tense and well acted, the Somalian Pirates do a good job.

Tom Hanks is great, but fuck it’s boring singing Hanks’ praises at this point. It’s like celebrating boiled cabbage.

The Bad:

Same complaint as Gravity – I could have done with a little more character development to relate to the characters better. Fuck I’m not easy to please. Dump cliché Hollywood character tropes on me and I whinge, leave them out and I’m unhappy at the void. What exactly is it I want? Who knows.

The Final Word:

Fire this up when your more cerebral colleagues pop round for a vino. There are worse ways to kill two hours.

Four_S copy

purge

What’s It About:

In the not too distant future, an annual event known as ‘The Purge’ takes place. For one twelve hour period, any and all crime is legalized.

This idea seems a little farfetched for the United States – after their most recent school shooting they’ve declared that they will only let 50 or 60 more tragedies like that occur, and then they are sitting down for a serious chat about gun control. They swear to God. 50 or 60 more times, and that is it.

The Good:

Legalizing all crime for one night including murder. Well, especially murder. It’s a wonderfully fucked up idea for a Horror film, and they really put in the hard yards to sell it as an actual thing. The crazy thing is, The Purge actually seems to be working with massive reductions in yearly crime – and the family that is terrorized in their own home are actually avid supporters of the act.

The Bad:

A neat idea for a film, but the execution is quite lacking. The film requires epic speeches on how “The Purge is the American Citizen’s right to expunge the bad parts of their soul, a right blessed to them by the founding forefathers blah blah fucking blah” – but it is dialogue they have not nailed, and the characters aren’t really selling it.

My biggest grievance is the group of villains attacking the house. They all wear identical masks, and you can’t tell them apart (or how many there actually are for that matter). It takes on a faceless computer game quality, so there is no weight to the moments when the baddies are dealt with.

The Final Word:

Not a bad film, but there has been an influx of home invasion Horror of recent, and there are better films tackling the subject out there. Watch You’re Next instead.

2.5

 

 

 

Comments are closed.

Set your Twitter account name in your settings to use the TwitterBar Section.