RIPD

What’s it About:

Men in Black with ghosts – except for…well…nope. That’s it. Men in Black with ghosts.

The Good:

The heroes are ghosts, and can only be seen as their human “avatars”. Ryan Reynolds is seen as an old Asian man (James “David LoPan” Hong), and Jeff Bridges’ grizzled old Civil War vet appears as a hot blonde chick. It’s an amusing premise that creates some fun scenes.

The Bad:

This film is fluff. How do I know this? Because I am recounting each and every one of these film reviews months after seeing them. I have a great memory when it comes to film (my brain is pretty useless when it comes to important stuff) and I remember my experiences with every film I saw in 2014…except RIPD. I remember the bits I outlined above in the good section, and fuck all besides that. This isn’t a good sign for a Buddy Action Cop thriller, one that is full of ghosts and a villainous Kevin Bacon. VILLAINOUS KEVIN BACON and GHOST COPS for fuck’s sake! And yet it has all the flavour of a Styrofoam pizza.

The Final Word:

Not good enough to praise, nor bad enough to vilify. Forgettable Eye Porridge at best.

1.5

Percy

Percy Jackson

What’s It About:

Percy Jackson is a young demigod and the son of Poseidon. What kind of pooncy name is Percy Jackson for a hero, one that is a demigod no less? Why not go full retard and name him Cecil McTampon?

The Good:

I like the whole Greek Gods setting, but only from playing the God Of War series on PlayStation. In those games you can rip the legs off Hermes, and place a God’s head in a doorway and tap x to repeatedly smash the door on his face. I recommend the games wholeheartedly.

The Bad:

This is a film based on a Young Adult series about a high school full of the children of Gods. Why the fuck would I watch a film like this? Well I was stuck in a Motel room with a mate suffering from horrific acid reflux, and this was the only thing on TV. By the end of the film, my eyes had acid reflux.

This is actually a sequel to a previous film, so I did a quick read up before watching this one. The first warning sign was that a bunch of the actors playing Gods in the first film, didn’t show up for the second. You’re not faring well if Pierce Brosnan turns you down.

brosnanfat

Looking Good Brozz!

The film’s premise isn’t bad, but the abundance of inane dialogue and missed opportunities is mind blowing. Percy is the son of Poseidon. He has powers that are sea related. So when the fight ends up on a yacht in the middle of the ocean, you expect the Protagonist to cut sick, right? Wrong. Nothing happens. Nothing seems to happen for 90 fucking minutes.

There is a side story of how everybody hates the Cyclops kid, until he “proves” himself by saving their lives – but that just reminds me of that old racist sentiment in older films, where you treat the Black and Jewish characters like shit…until they do something extraordinary, and only then is it okay to like them. Fuck this.

The Final Word:

Your kids will enjoy this. But then again, they also enjoy sticking Lego up their noses the idiots.

2

whouse

What’s It About:

The White House is under siege by home grown terrorists, but dry your tears as Channing Tatum is here to save the day. I’m going to name my first born Channing. Just kidding, that name sucks. “Channing” sounds like a sex move. Like the name you would give the act of fucking a can of food. “I caught my flatmate Channing some Minestone Soup the other day“.

The Good:

I bemoaned Die Hard 5 as a solid wall of piss and shit back in March, and wept that our kids would never experience a decent Die Hard sequel after the third film.

White House Down is the Die Hard sequel we deserve. The distinguished villain with his gang of memorable thugs. The family member in peril. The reluctant rule breaking hero, and his unlikely interracial partnership. The smart mouthed techy. Christ, our hero even dons a dirty white singlet.

It’s one Yippi Ki Yay away from a decent Die Hard entry, and I’m glad I caught it at the cinema.

The Bad:

Entertaining as it is, the film stops just short of greatness. It’s one of those films that is you watched the trailer, you’ve already seen all of the funny parts and most of the action beats.

The Final Word:

In a better dimension, this film would have been called Die Hardest . It would have starred Bruce Willis, came out after Die Hard with a Vengeance, and we would have declared that series the greatest Action franchise ever. As it stands, it’s still a worthwhile romp.

3.5

RIDDICK

What’s it About:

After the Apissmal Chronicles of Riddick almost a solid decade ago, nobody expected a third Riddick film. Nobody wanted a third Riddick film. Except Vin Diesel, who willed this film into existence thanks to facebook , twitter and his gravelly voice that could make a Rhino cum.

The Good:

Riddick feels like three films combined into one.

The first part is a lone survivor epic, as Riddick learns to fend for himself on a hostile planet full of Alien fuckery. It’s an entertaining jaunt, as he builds a home, a routine, and even turns an alien pup into a pet.

The second part is a Slasher flick, as Riddick slowly picks off two groups of Bounty Hunters he tricks into landing on the planet. This part includes the greatest decapitation I have seen on film. No shit, Riddick chops off a man’s head with a machete…without using his hands.

The Bad:

The third part is a retread of the original Pitch Black, as the unlikely ensemble are forced to fend together against a hoard of alien bastards. Sounds great, but kinda flounders – an unfortunate finish after a solid first two acts. This third of the film also includes a brief bit of flirtation between Riddick and a lesbian Bounty Hunter, that honestly comes out of nowhere.

The Final Word:

Tremendous bit of gory Sci Fi to brighten your day. Not a great finisher, but the first two acts alone are worth the effort.

Four_S copy

rush

True story of the epic rivalry of two Drivers during the 1967 Formula One season. Wait, sorry – make that the 1976 Season. Made a slight typo there. It’s like the time I sent you that text at 3am saying:

I wouldn’t mind tasting your mother’s bum

What I meant to write was:

I wouldn’t mind tasting your mother’s rum

Referring to the bottle of Bacardi I saw on her shelf last time I was there. Innocent little typo. 1976 – 1967. Rum – Bum. These things happen.

The Good:

I was going to give this film a miss, as the subject matter didn’t interest me. I’ve never been a fan of F-1, likening it to watching metal cans go round and round in a clothes dryer for hours on end. The barrage of positive reviews for Rush prompted me to give it a go, and boy I’m glad I did. The strong performances and well crafted story made it one of the best films of the year, to the point where I actually researched the world of Formula One racing for several hours after the film.

The Bad:

Ron Howard is a perfectly fine film maker, one who unfortunately dips his toe in the pool of melodrama from time to time. He rarely slips up with Rush, but there is the odd occasion when the scenes are a bit too gushy (especially involving Lauda’s accident and recovery), and kind of tips the story from what is essentially a real chunk of history into soap opera territory.

The Final Word:

Fine entertainment, with the added brain massage that it is based on a true story.

4.5

 

All supe

Four superheroes awaken in an abandoned town to find themselves stripped of their powers, and at the mercy of their Arch Nemesis, Rickshaw. They are forced into a series of challenges and traps, with the lives of innocent people at stake.

The Good:

I’ve worked on a few short films in my time, and the filmmaker in me was quite impressed with what they accomplished with All Superheroes Must Die. It’s a Superhero movie…that had a month of pre-production (including writing the script), ten days of shooting…all on a budget of 20 fucking grand. That’s about a fifth of what your average Superhero films spends on just the catering budget alone.

The film looks and feels much more expensive than that, they seem to have an entire abandoned town at their disposal. Some solid acting and set pieces sweeten the deal.

The Bad:

While the filmmaker in me enjoyed it, the film fan was a little less ecstatic. The script could have down with an extra week of polish, especially with the dialogue.

Did your mother ever make you a costume for Book week at school? She probably stuck tin foil stars to a dressing gown, called you a “Wizard”, and you probably looked like a pile of shit. Still, that was more effort than the makers of this film put into their costumes, which looked like Wet Suits and curtain cut offs. The township looked great, but the costumes were in dire need of a few more bucks.

The Final Word:

Impressive little indie flick, which successfully combines Saw with the Avengers (albeit on a budget that wouldn’t cover a week’s worth of catering on a Marvel set).

Three_S

chucky

I had a mate who used to drop round my flat every once in a while. The poor bastard had this uncanny knack to wander into my lounge room every time I have some form of sick shit on the TV screen. Once it was a computer game where I was skinning a horse. Another time it was a TV show where somebody was making wigs out of human guts. On this occasion, he came face to face with a wheelchair bound girl letting out blood curdling screams as a possessed Doll stabbed her repeatedly in the legs.

The film? Curse of Chucky. The friend in mention? Doesn’t come round any more for some reason.

The Good:

The Horror genre is the little engine that could, forever puffing away uphill releasing films in franchises regardless of the Box Office or critical reception. When you’re forever throwing shit against a wall, eventually it has to stick. The best Final Destination film is the fifth one. The best Friday the 13th film is the sixth one. Curse of Chucky is the sixth Child’s Play film, and it is the best of the series.

A wacky collection of characters accumulate in a gothic mansion, and a series of infighting and sordid affairs are the order of the day. It’s well scripted and acted, to the point where if Chucky had never turned up, I could have happily watched this twisted soap opera for ninety minutes. Having a Psychotic Doll Killer thrown into the mix is some delicious icing on an already substantial cake.

The Bad:

This film attempts to reboot the franchise, while still tying itself into the events of the previous five films. It’s a valiant attempt, but falls a little short bending over backwards to accommodate characters from the earlier entries.

Final word:

Horror fans will love this. If you’re not into Horror, give this a miss – go watch Any Cunt Can Cook, or whatever the fuck that show is.

Four_S copy

 

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