I’ve had to take a few days off the booze as I find it doesn’t mix well with the medication I’m currently on for Vertigo. Though to be fair, the particularly bad dizzy spells the Vertigo brings on are like being drunk anyway.

Like any decent Booze-Hag worth their weight, if I can’t sink piss I spend my time reading about the art of sinking piss. I found myself delving once again into the world of the Bloody Mary, because honestly, there truly are no other drinks that lend themselves to such a mind blowing amount of creative licence. The list I have created here has been cultivated from an afternoon of dredging through other site’s Bloody Mary collections (mainly Buzz Feed, Cool Material, Liquor.com, Complex, Extra Crispy and Thrillist) – and I have ranked the drinks accordingly by how much they tickled my fancy.

Creativity and style weighed heavily in my criteria, and not just how much random shit the Bartender’s have crammed into the glass. Keep in mind I haven’t tried many of these (well, I haven’t tried 19 of them) – we’ll sip them with the power of our imaginations! I’ll just list the best ingredients when appropriate, and not give a full recipe for each drink – else I’ll give myself RSI from typing Horseradish a thousand fucking times.

I’ll note the bar names if known (America dominates the list of course, the yanks crush shit like this), and a few Instagram pics have made the list when home grown ingenuity has risen to the occasion.

 

20. Baked Bean Mary

bakedbeans

I came across a plethora of drinks served with a simple meal on top (mostly Pizza slices), but I went with one this as it opened my eyes to the idea of an endless world of localized toppings. This particular example is too wonderfully British to miss the list.

 

19. The Bloody Beast

sobelman

This Mary hails from Sobelman’s Pub and Grill in Milwaukee, and I just like this one because it looks like a mutant chicken with two hamburgers for heads, is sitting on the glass like a throne. This drink is so jam packed with ingredients, the Asian chick pictured isn’t a drinker – she’s actually one of the garnishes.

 

18. Wild Alaskan Grille Bloody Mary

luke wholey

From Luke Wholley’s Wild Alaskan Grille in Pittsburgh. Sometimes you need a simple drink. Other times, you need a soft shell crab staring at you with it’s olive eyes.

 

17. Fuck Brunch

fuckbrunch

Coming from the Anvil Pub in Dallas, this one wins extra points for it’s name. Fuck brunch indeed.

 

16. Pizza Bloody Mary

pizza

Oregano, pepper flake and basil. Topped with mozzarella, olive and pepperoni. Fuck. Yes.

 

15. Bottle-Aged Bloody Mary

bottled aged

The Woodsman Tavern in Portland offer a Mary fit for James Bond.

 

14. Chubby Mary

chubby

So simple, and yet oh so eye catching. Hailing from The Cove in Michigan, and sporting a whole smoked chub. Can you imagine walking into a job interview sipping one of these? You’d be hired on the spot.

 

13. Bloody Mary Superior

superior

Small Bar, San Diego. Check out this description: Bloody mix, Guinness, steak sauce, chili-garlic vodka, beer-candied bacon. And free Pork Rinds!

 

12. The Trifecta

sydney mary

In Sydney there resides an iconic bar dedicated purely to Bloody Mary’s called, well, Bloody Mary’s. They have a tremendous range of variations (I’ve tried their Bloody Italiano, it’s amazing), but it’s the coveted Trifecta that stands out as the list-worthy option. Their classic Bloody Mary is served with a side order of a Berocca and a Gatorade. A gift from the heavens for the Hungover.

 

11. That Boy Good Mary

rim glass

At a bar named That Boy Good in California you can pick one of these up for $6. When you put a rib on top you have my curiosity, but rim the glass with meat-rub and you have my attention! But why stop at just rimming the glass with meat when you can have…

 

10. Meat Straw!

bloody best

Yes, a fucking straw made out of meat. Served in a Mary named The Bloody Best Available from The Nook in Atlanta. Of course, if you’re going to offer up a straw made of meat…

 

9. Meat Shot Glass!

meat glass

Produce a tray of these at your next house party, be the envy of the entire cunting neighborhood.

 

8. Cluck and Moo

cluck and moo

The Bartenders at Hrbek’s in Minneapolis know the rules.  Just because you’re racking up plastic cup Maries like a conveyor belt, doesn’t mean you can’t still garnish like a Mutha Fucka.

 

7. Pantera

pantera

Del Campo, Washington. This is some HP Lovecraft shit right here. Winning ingredient? Squid Ink!

 

6. Checkmate

checkmate

Canada makes the list with the Checkmate from Score on Davie. This bastard ranks highly because of it’s pure greasy hangover goodness. 5,000 Motherfucking calories!

 

5. Tailgate in a Glass

tailgate

Parlor Sports, Massachusets. Appalachian thermonuclear beef jerky infused vodka? Shut up and take my money!

 

4. Sumo Mary

sumo

Sunda, Chicago. Winner of the most exotic sounding recipe: Lumpia Chinese broccoli, oshinko pickles, duck bao, grilled cheese, herb-roasted potatoes, braised pork belly, bacon. Classy as fuck.

 

3. Brewer’s Bloody Mary

Brewers

I always prefer it if a Bloody Mary sticks to a theme rather than just cramming as much random shit into the glass as possible. The Brewer’s is served at O’Davey’s Pub in Wisconsin, and is an amalgamation of pretty much every Baseball snack you can think of. This one was designed by Sarah Jayne Pickart, a Goddess of Marys who also designed…

 

2. Surf n Turf Supreme

surf n turf

My god what a work of art, I could stare at this fucking thing all day. I was so busy admiring the bucket of Mussels, I almost missed the fact there’s a fucking lobster wrapped in bacon. Fuck it, here’s the entire recipe:

Bacon wrapped lobster, crab cake sliders, fried fish sliders, loaded steak and cheese sliders, cherry-apple pork loin lollipops, stuffed potatoes, garlic butter Brussels sprouts, bacon, mussels, crab legs, calamari rings, shrimp, coleslaw, tuna salad, cheesecake, cheese curds, cheese whips, a plethora of veggies and pickles, and of course, more bacon.

As mentioned, this was designed by Miss Pickart who has branched out and created her own catering company called Wild & Crazy Gourmet Bloody Marys. Here she is with a Nintendo (!) Bloody Mary she made for charity (I want to marry this girl):

sarah

 

 

1. LIEDTKE’S OPUS

opus

You need to bring the big guns to top this list, and Comedian Randy Liedtke brought a fucking Cannon. Requiring a blueprint to assemble, this work of art includes: a footlong sub, four pieces of fried chicken, a full pepperoni pizza, two double cheeseburgers, onion rings, fries, garlic bread, pickles, olives, an onion, a lemon, a lime, and a jalapeño. The pièce de résistance? IT COMES GARNISHED WITH AN ADDITIONAL SMALLER BLOODY MARY. I don’t see this masterpiece getting topped in my life time.

 

BONUS: THE INSIDE OUT

insideout

Came across this after I had already written this article, but it was too good to leave off.

Mosaic Restaurants in St Louis offer this masterstroke: two frozen cubes of Bloody Mary Mix in a glass of Vodka. Twirl the Olive-stacked stirrer to make the cubes dissolve. I love this planet.

 

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